VeronicasSecret (veronicassecret) wrote,

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Title: "The Wizard of Neptune"
Word Count: 2,143
Notes: Apologies in advance! Blame it ALL on the hiatus... or possibly crack.

Open in Lamb's apartment. He's on the couch, watching television in his boxers and surrounded by empty kegs and candy wrappers.

LAMB: Nothing better than a classic movie marathon and confiscated beer. Nope! Not on a Saturday night!

He giggles to himself.

LAMB: Now who needs... a stupid office party, huh? I'll show YOU, Sacks! Lousy subordinate... Won't even...

The scene slowly fades into one of Veronica sobbing into Backup's fur.

VERONICA: Oh, Backup... They simply can't take you away from me! I swear, that little punk had it coming!

She suddenly bursts into song.

Somewhere way beyond Neptune
There's a place
Where I'll have friends once again
Who will speak to my face

It doesn't matter where I go
As long as no one there will know
About me

Like mom left town, one fateful day
Then I was drugged and raped but they
Still doubt me

Somehow I'll get out of here
Won't look back
College scholarship maybe
Or I'll just peddle smack

Right as she finishes, the ground rumbles loudly.

VERONICA: Oh, great. Another earthquake.

A giant crack appears in front of her.

VERONICA: Hmm... this can't be good.

The building is slowly swallowed up. Inside, Veronica makes her way over to the door and wrenches it open.

VERONICA: Backup, I have a feeling we're not in California anymore.

The scenery is violently colorful and outlandish. Backup races out and runs up to a girl completely dressed in pink, tail wagging.

VERONICA: Hi, have we fallen through the mouth of hell or something? Because Dante never mentioned anything like this.

MEG: Are you a good or bad witch?

VERONICA: I... take it from the birds braiding your hair that you might be a good one?

MEG: That's right! After all, I DID score 100 on a purity test.

She presents Veronica with a pair of shoes.

MEG: Here, take these red-sequined Manolo Blahniks. It's not like you could possibly be worse than their previous owner.

VERONICA: God, these things are humongous. And tacky to boot! Who did they belong to again?

GIRL: Paris Hilton. See her feet sticking out from under your complex?

VERONICA: Umm... oops?

MEG: Are you freaking kidding me? You've done us all a great service here!

A group of miniature bikers appear, whooping loudly.

Ding dong, the bitch is dead
Which old bitch
The rich man-bitch
Ding dong, that skanky bitch is dead

One of them dismounts and takes off his helmet, kneeling before Veronica.

WEEVIL: As leader of this pack, I'd like to personally express my gratitude. In fact, some of us wish to perform a choreographed routine in your honor right now.

Felix, Hector, and Chardo line up and commence singing and dancing.

We represent the motorcycle gang
The motorcycle gang
The motorcycle gang
And in the name of our motorcycle gang
We wish to welcome you to this magical land

WEEVIL: We shall build a hall of fame around you, our national heroine!

FELIX: In the best position I've discovered... next to our lube and rim job trophies!

WEEVIL: What did I say about that tape recorder?

FELIX: Sorry to disappoint you, boss. Got a little overexcited there and just erupted. I know you hate it when guys come on too strong.

WEEVIL: I give up. Here, go fetch!

He carelessly tosses a CD towards the ocean.

FELIX: Hey, that's O-Town!

VERONICA: So where do I go from here?

MEG: To the Sheriff, of course!

VERONICA: And how do I get there?

MEG: Just...

The bikers drown her out with their chant.

Follow the Pacific Coast Highway
Follow the Pacific Coast Highway
Follow, follow, follow...

VERONICA: I think I've got the hang of it.

WEEVIL: Sorry, we sometimes maybe get just a little bit redundant every now and then.

VERONICA: You don't say!

MEG: It's because you all can't follow directions.

He immediately bristles and glares at her.

WEEVIL: You got something against the vertically challenged, Missy?

MEG: I was talking about men in general.

WEEVIL: Oh, that's okay then.

He gives the two girls a wink.

WEEVIL: Say, would you ladies like to see my impression of a tripod?

VERONICA: Gee, you know what? That's my cue to leave. Bye!

She runs off and the bikers follow in her wake, cheering as they go.

You're off to see the Sheriff
This wonderful Sheriff of ours
He's truly the most top-notch cop
You'll ever find named Mars
If ever, oh ever a cop there was...

HECTOR: Hey, what rhymes with sheriff?

CHARDO: How about tariff?

HECTOR: Yeah, but that doesn't make any sense in context.

CHARDO: Verif... ication?

HECTOR: Who are you, Emily Dickinson?

PHUONG: Literary reference-five!

A friendly brawl breaks out. Veronica eventually comes across a naked boy marked with the word "SNICH." He's strapped to a flagpole.

WALLACE: Mind helping a brother out?

VERONICA: No problem.

She whips out a switchblade and frees him from the tape.

WALLACE: Thanks. By the way, am I in Kansas now?

VERONICA: Umm... I don't think so. Why do you ask?

WALLACE: Just thought I recognized something.

He ducks behind a bush.

VERONICA: You mind telling me what happened?

WALLACE: Well, you could say I had a REALLY bad day.

He quickly returns, dressed in uniform.

I confronted some mean, tough guys
Which didn't seem all that wise
When I left my safe walls

So despite the fact we were robbed
I made sure the charges were dropped
If I'd only had some balls

VERONICA: Why don't you go see the Sheriff with me?

WALLACE: Sounds good.

VERONICA: Let's be best friends forever! I could bake you cookies...


They skip off arm-in-arm, and ultimately encounter a very still being blocking their path.

VERONICA: Why look, it's a boy... like thing.

It emits a squeak.

DUNCAN: Pills... pills!

Wallace examines the bottle in its hand.

WALLACE: Oxcar... bazepine? Jesus Christ, that coulda broken my tongue.

DUNCAN: My mouth... my mouth!

Veronica takes out some tablets and holds them up to its lips. The android immediately comes to (partial) life.

DUNCAN: Finally! Yes! I can move again!

VERONICA: So, uhh... what was THAT all about?

DUNCAN: Sorry, I constantly need to ingest those or else I'll stop functioning.

WALLACE: And that would be a crying shame.

Music plays from the automaton's chest.

This is my surprise confession
Normal human expression
Was left out of my code

Even Lilly, my dead sister
Couldn't tell whether I'd missed her
If I only could emote

He stops and goes over to Veronica.

DUNCAN: You kinda remind me of her. Such pretty, pretty blonde hair. Ah, I've lost my heart.

She quickly backs away.

VERONICA: Let's... just be friends. Hey, maybe the Sheriff could solve your problem!

DUNCAN: Where is he?

VERONICA: We're actually going there right now... I guess you could follow us. Only... don't stay too close.

It claps with (simulated) joy.

DUNCAN: Oh, goody!

They all continue on their (less-than-merry) way. Wallace sneaks another look backwards.

WALLACE: Why, oh WHY did you invite that freakshow along?

VERONICA: It's obviously got issues and might I remind you, a rather lethal-looking shovel.

WALLACE: And keeping it with us is a good idea HOW?

VERONICA: I've been questioning that myself.

They halt upon reaching an eerie copse of trees.

WALLACE: Rats! We're at edge of the forest!

VERONICA: So? What's the big deal?

WALLACE: Well for starters, there are liars lurking about here.

The interloper lumbers forward and catches up to them, scaring away a group of squirrels.

DUNCAN: And tight-wads!

Wallace rolls his eyes.

WALLACE: And horribly annoying bores.

VERONICA: Oh, my...

A crowbar-twirling figure leaps out of the shadows at them.


DUNCAN: I thinks it's called... a jackass?

Wallace smirks behind its back.

WALLACE: Takes one to know one.

LOGAN: Put em up! Which one of you first? If you want, I'll fight you both together... With one hand tied behind my back!

Backup leaps up and vigorously licks his face.

LOGAN: Ack! Stop! It tickles!

VERONICA: I can't believe it... He's nothing but a teddy bear! Backup, chill.

LOGAN: Sorry about that. I have to constantly defend my turf or else people might think I'm weak. But it's really all just a facade. Inside, I hide a wealth of pain.

Since my father likes to hit me
The way Bobby does Whitney
I've regretted my birth

There's no use for fame and riches
When your mother jumps off bridges
If I only had self-worth

Veronica runs up and jumps into his arms.

VERONICA: Let's be friends with benefits!

LOGAN: Works every time.

They make out passionately, much to the discomfort of everyone else.

DUNCAN: I'm just going to beat the crap out of this tree now, for totally unrelated reasons.

WALLACE: Of course. Go ahead, knock yourself out! Please.

The air is suddenly filled with shrieking, winged creatures.

DICK: My money's on the pitbull!

MADISON: Dibs on hot guy with frosted tips!

BEAVER: Great. Why do I always get the psychotic ones?

They scoop up their captives and carry them off to a distant castle. A woman in designer clothing looks on and cackles with glee.

CELESTE: I've got you, my pretty. And your little dog, too!

One of the minions whispers in her ear.

CELESTE: Or not-so-little... Well, your canine's apparently cost me the head of my army. Anyways, it's time to hand over the footware!

Veronica simply shrugs her shoulders.

VERONICA: Whatever. I wouldn't be caught dead with those things. But maybe... you will!

She lunges forward to reveal a hidden tazer.

CELESTE: I'm melting! I'm melting!

VERONICA: That's right, you bitch!

Panicked, the followers fly off in utter chaos. The rest gather around a large puddle.

WALLACE: Hopefully, that's the last we've seen of this ice queen.

DUNCAN: Onwards to the Sheriff!

LOGAN: I go where Veronica goes.

She giggles happily in response. They resume in high spirits (except for Duncan), finally arriving at their destination. A menacing-looking man guards the gates.

CLARENCE: All that wish to enter must be wearing a hat.

DUNCAN: Why do we need...


DUNCAN: Yes, sir!

The party walks in and is immediately ushered by a beautiful woman to the largest building.

ALICIA: The Sheriff will be right with you.

A jovial man appears from behind the curtain.

KEITH: I have heard of your legendary exploits and also discovered your innermost desires.

VERONICA: Umm, how?

KEITH: A little investigative work. You, convenience-store clerk. Come on down!

Wallace gulps nervously and walks over to him.

KEITH: Here you go, a pair of basketballs.

WALLACE: Gee, thanks. Now I'll be like catnip to all the ladies!

KEITH: And you, mentally-unstable robot! You're next!

Duncan woodenly moves forward.

KEITH: This should help you loosen up.

DUNCAN: Jack Daniel's?

KEITH: By the way, ditch the meds.

DUNCAN: If you say so... Yay! I'm a real boy now!

VERONICA: Are you sure that's such a good idea?

KEITH: Hey, it's just iced tea. Snarky-yet-sensitive, your turn!

Logan giddily hops up the steps.

DUNCAN: So, maybe now we could...


KEITH: I give you the key to this city, which money cannot buy. And also, have a lifetime supply of therapy sessions on me. Hug?

The two of them awkwardly embrace.

LOGAN: Uhh, thanks... dude.

They quickly let go of each other.

KEITH: As for our tiny blonde savior, I'm sorry...

He takes off his hat, revealing a bald head.

VERONICA: So THAT'S why they're mandatory!

He grins at her.

KEITH: Yeah. But about your...

VERONICA: It's okay. I've got everything I need right here. I think that... I'm finally home now.

She gazes up adoringly at Logan and they make out again. A bewildered deputy stumbles out of nowhere.

LAMB: That's not how it's supposed to end!

"YMCA" by the Village People starts to play.

LAMB: You people have got it all wrong!

They laugh mockingly at him.

LAMB: No! Stop! FOOLS!

Cut to Lamb waking up in bed with a cold sweat.

SACKS: You okay, lambie-poo?


SACKS: Uhh... you're still dreaming, chief.

LAMB: Oh, right.

They go back to cuddling. Fade to black on their peaceful, rhythmic snoring.

Thank you, come again!
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